10-07-2016, 09:59 AM
First - I totally got this poem. Quite a few "I feel that too"s. Sometimes that inhibits my ability in providing indepth criticism so apologies if I'm brief.
After being inspired by a previous comment ^ in terms of the Impossible angel not fitting with the consistent theme of the sea...
Impossible angel
that runs not to me.
Impervious Siren
that sings not to me.
Sorry for taking the liberty of changing "Impossible" too, Impervious just hit me as a word I thought describes a siren with more aplomb... just a suggestion or something for you to have a play with. It may be too flowery for a very personal piece.
Regarding lots of previous comments that struggled grasping certain lines, I found nothing out of place, all messages clear and very artistically put. Enjoyed.
After being inspired by a previous comment ^ in terms of the Impossible angel not fitting with the consistent theme of the sea...
Impossible angel
that runs not to me.
Impervious Siren
that sings not to me.
Sorry for taking the liberty of changing "Impossible" too, Impervious just hit me as a word I thought describes a siren with more aplomb... just a suggestion or something for you to have a play with. It may be too flowery for a very personal piece.
Regarding lots of previous comments that struggled grasping certain lines, I found nothing out of place, all messages clear and very artistically put. Enjoyed.