The drop
#3
(10-05-2016, 02:52 AM)Shrewbe Wrote:  A drop of ink sat safe in its bottle
and everyday it prayed 
to be the next drop out in the world
who'll colour all waters in its way. Aside from the its/it's grammar issue, this is a nice start. With this personification you give the drop a personality and a goal, which I find extremely pleasing.

That drop watched others as they escaped
gathering momentum to make an unknown fall  This line could be better.. “Gathering momentum, taking an unknown fall," maybe? Or something of the like? If you're going for any sort of assonance/consonance there, I'd drop it [no pun intended]. 
and thought of how it would feel 
then decided it was worth it all. What was?
 
So the drop then waited for a sign
convinced of its destiny This, following up “Then decided it was worth it all" feels like backtracking. 
and dreamt of the moment of union 
with all the waters it thought it could see.

The day of judgement came thereafter
a hand of god was said to have been felt,
and something took over the drop 
as it hurled itself beyond the neck.
It's a nice stanza, but dropping the ABCB rhyme scheme kind of kills it.

It massaccared its fellow drops Would a better word be trampled? 
and forged ahead to its destiny
at the tipping point it saw some waters 
and cried full of epiphanies. It had ideas? What ideas? 
The rhyme scheme is back! Yay!

As it was about to fall 
a curious thing happened,
its world violently begun to shake 
and all the drops came at it!
Thus we reach the climax in a pleasing stanza that keeps with the rhyme scheme. Kudos.

they all then turned into a wave,
and the drop couldn't tell what happened
and all it could think of was the waters 
and what it could have been. Rhyming with happened twice.. Not the best thing. But a drop of ink with crushed hopes and dreams? Good job portraying that.

While it was dying it saw the truth 
and caught a glimpse of his god... You went from “it" to “his". Don't do that. Other than that, I think this is a good stanza. Dying, glimpsing it's god. You really gave life to this drop of ink. 

...it was the artist who had slippery hands
who dropped the bottle to the ground. A good ending, though the wording could be fixed a bit. “With slippery hands" and “knocked the bottle, maybe?
Proper use of apostrophes is needed. If the drop owns a thing, "its" should be "it's". [e.g "All waters in it's way." Other than that and some wording, I liked this. You gave so much life tp a drop of ink. You gave it hopes, dreams, aspirations, ambition, determination, patience, an ego, a god, and death. The drop was practically human. I applaude you for that.
Ashes to ashes  
Dust to dust
Edgy sayings
“Inspirational" stuff 
Reply


Messages In This Thread
The drop - by Shrewbe - 10-05-2016, 02:52 AM
RE: The drop - by kolemath - 10-05-2016, 08:01 AM
RE: The drop - by Alic Elliot - 10-05-2016, 03:24 PM
RE: The drop - by kolemath - 10-05-2016, 07:16 PM
RE: The drop - by Shrewbe - 10-05-2016, 11:29 PM
RE: The drop - by Bueller - 10-10-2016, 02:31 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!