The undoing

[Shrewbe]

I had previously posted this under "novice". However, I'd like to seriously work on improving this piece and learning more.



A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.


Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.


With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.


On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.

Original

A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
 
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
 
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
 
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.

Threads merged/mod

The idea is fine, though needs to be consistent throughout: consider that "thread" usually connotes a minimum difficult to imagine unraveled, whereas a cord composed of many intertwined threads would make more sense. As noted elsewhere, coy and gentle seem to be attributes alien to your thoughts. Also, why unravel at the beginning when it occurs later to set the contrast?  What caused the unravel? You say, "a gush took it over of the wind," which makes no sense. Seems to me you need to firmly fix the item's characteristics in a way that allows humanizing them via simile, metaphor or analogy, then explain how and why it unraveled. A become B because of C and D results. Any interest in turning a downer into an upper by having E set matters aright?

Hi Zorcas thank you so much for taking the time out to check this out. You raise very valid points and as of now I'm abandoning this piece and spending time developing this idea and completely re-writing it