10-03-2016, 12:46 PM
Some really beautiful imagery and lines in this - and the coming to nature at the end hits you as if you are there.
The opening and closing lines I enjoyed especially, as I did the bellicose... wordy but reads great!
My eyes stung with sweat
as we began the breakneck descent
down the hills rear end.
- I find this stanza pretty ugly compared to the rest. Is this intended to mirror the effort and struggle of the cyclists? Even if this the case I think it still would make a nicer read if it was more in tune with the rest. Also really not a fan of the hill's (apostrophe needs to go in?) rear end. There must be a more decorated way of saying this, that is, presuming you would edit in line with the rest.
As you personify nature at the end through the sea, i wonder if there is any chance of using more language associated with nature throughout? Though it does work well as is, mainly. There are some weak uses of "the" & "and" that could maybe be changed to a more colourful word, or an adjective. Something like "taunting tough tires". Some nice alliteration added then too. I don't think this poem needs "the"s for flow, as mentioned bar that one stanza it read to me beautifully.
I also agree entirely with previous critic's views on the word "squeal" - makes what is an almost totally relaxed and satisfying ending a bit agitated imo. I also agree with previous critic on removing the comma on the penultimate line. I read it naturally anyway, but I can't see why you'd encourage any pause between the last two lines.
The opening and closing lines I enjoyed especially, as I did the bellicose... wordy but reads great!
My eyes stung with sweat
as we began the breakneck descent
down the hills rear end.
- I find this stanza pretty ugly compared to the rest. Is this intended to mirror the effort and struggle of the cyclists? Even if this the case I think it still would make a nicer read if it was more in tune with the rest. Also really not a fan of the hill's (apostrophe needs to go in?) rear end. There must be a more decorated way of saying this, that is, presuming you would edit in line with the rest.
As you personify nature at the end through the sea, i wonder if there is any chance of using more language associated with nature throughout? Though it does work well as is, mainly. There are some weak uses of "the" & "and" that could maybe be changed to a more colourful word, or an adjective. Something like "taunting tough tires". Some nice alliteration added then too. I don't think this poem needs "the"s for flow, as mentioned bar that one stanza it read to me beautifully.
I also agree entirely with previous critic's views on the word "squeal" - makes what is an almost totally relaxed and satisfying ending a bit agitated imo. I also agree with previous critic on removing the comma on the penultimate line. I read it naturally anyway, but I can't see why you'd encourage any pause between the last two lines.