10-03-2016, 12:12 PM
There's already a lot said on this poem - so I'll stick to a couple of brief points.
The language used, is it really terrifying?
Even the imagery used, though creative, could push the idea of Night Terrors much further. Even when death makes an appearance towards the end, there isn't really much language that causes me to share the fear/anxiety.
Some "dark" language or further pushed sinister implications would portray the fear felt by all of the family around the sleepwalker's behaviour, & could perhaps not only enhance the poem in terms of being a more powerful read, but mirror the terror within the language used and ultimately make the poem stronger. Imo the strongest poems are always those that mirror the poem's subject within the words, metaphors, stressed sounds etc.
Also second edit is a huge improvement on the first. I read it easily and took it in. I tried to do the same with your first draft afterwards and struggled, it was just too strung out and seemed much more forced than your most recent attempt.
Look forward to seeing if you develop this further, interesting subject matter.
The language used, is it really terrifying?
Even the imagery used, though creative, could push the idea of Night Terrors much further. Even when death makes an appearance towards the end, there isn't really much language that causes me to share the fear/anxiety.
Some "dark" language or further pushed sinister implications would portray the fear felt by all of the family around the sleepwalker's behaviour, & could perhaps not only enhance the poem in terms of being a more powerful read, but mirror the terror within the language used and ultimately make the poem stronger. Imo the strongest poems are always those that mirror the poem's subject within the words, metaphors, stressed sounds etc.
Also second edit is a huge improvement on the first. I read it easily and took it in. I tried to do the same with your first draft afterwards and struggled, it was just too strung out and seemed much more forced than your most recent attempt.
Look forward to seeing if you develop this further, interesting subject matter.