09-30-2016, 07:32 AM
(08-15-2016, 06:57 PM)dared Wrote: The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps. Nice contrast here between 'feathered' and 'jagged' - the beauty of the man still living and the harshness of what awaits him.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky. Your poem has beautiful images, but they get obscured because y[b]ou use the form modifier-noun quite often (e.g., "feathered man", "jagged knife", "heaven's steps", "sun's gaze", "night sky", "life's debt", etc.). Varying your phrasing will bring out these images. [/b]
A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. It's not clear who hungers here, the people or the gods.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted.
I like that you've represented all participants in the event: the sacrificial victim, the mass of people, the gods, nature. I wonder what your attitude is towards this event. You position yourself as an impartial observer ("trying to imagine the scene"), but there are moments when you seem to feel for the victim. You portray his helplessness and fear, for example. You contrast his vulnerability with the blind hunger of the mass of people and/or gods. The people do pray to the gods, which shows their subordination. But the victim is the only one whose emotional reality you've explored, and that might say something about your attitude towards the scene. Exploring your personal voice - how you're affected by what you see - would add to your poem, in my opinion.
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A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.