09-29-2016, 10:42 PM
Really love the imagery of this, especially the last two stanzas! Below in bold are just a few comments that I'd have to maybe tighten up the general flow of the piece.
The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance,
rising in a soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path. I would maybe consider restructuring the line break to appear after 'crescendo.' The next line may flow a little smoother if it were 'as our bikes approached the sea on a root strewn path.' Also, I think the 'a' before crescendo could be dropped and lead to a harder hitting image.
We chose the toughest route, testing the tires,
attacking the pedals, and ignoring the anguish
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline. I'd be a bit careful with the alliteration of somewhat obscure words here. I felt like it removed me as the reader from what was at first a very clear image. Maybe replace bosky with a softer synonym?
My eyes stung with sweat
as we began the breakneck descent
down the hills rear end. Love this image, really cool way of posing the descent down the back side of the hill.
When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs, Kissed can sometimes seem a little light on depth, so maybe search for another word. Depending on what emotion you're searching for you could have some fun here.
and the ocean cold made us squeal
before a tired quiet fell upon us,
and we heard the ocean speak. Lovely final three lines!
The dulcet waves met my ears at a distance,
rising in a soft crescendo as our bikes approached the sea
on a root strewn path. I would maybe consider restructuring the line break to appear after 'crescendo.' The next line may flow a little smoother if it were 'as our bikes approached the sea on a root strewn path.' Also, I think the 'a' before crescendo could be dropped and lead to a harder hitting image.
We chose the toughest route, testing the tires,
attacking the pedals, and ignoring the anguish
in a bellicose frenzy up the bosky incline. I'd be a bit careful with the alliteration of somewhat obscure words here. I felt like it removed me as the reader from what was at first a very clear image. Maybe replace bosky with a softer synonym?
My eyes stung with sweat
as we began the breakneck descent
down the hills rear end. Love this image, really cool way of posing the descent down the back side of the hill.
When we burst from the trees, the salt air kissed my lungs, Kissed can sometimes seem a little light on depth, so maybe search for another word. Depending on what emotion you're searching for you could have some fun here.
and the ocean cold made us squeal
before a tired quiet fell upon us,
and we heard the ocean speak. Lovely final three lines!