09-29-2016, 10:16 AM
(08-15-2016, 06:57 PM)dared Wrote: The feathered man and jagged knife,Hello,
a totem on the heaven's steps.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.
A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted.
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A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.
There are some wonderfully unique descriptions/images in this. I quite like it. My one criticism here is for the ending. The images are all unique, but then the last one is not. It reads a little awkwardly as well and doesn't quite make sense, or perhaps the "it's sculpted" doesn't modify the right thing. My suggestion would be to consider cutting those last two lines or reworking them. I do love the first two lines though
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau

