09-27-2016, 11:07 PM
So this felt a little to superficial to me, I really wanted to read through it and feel more of the emotion and the heartache. I do agree that it almost feels more like song lyrics than a poem and just a start to a song at that, to me a poem has more meat on the bone (metaphor, imagery, alliteration, etc). If it is something that you intend to work up as a piece for publication, as a reader I feel like I need more to connect to. Try going back and seeing if you can really connect with that emotion and find ways to invite the reader into that same experience? It's a solid start, but I'd keep working with it.
