09-27-2016, 11:42 AM
You clearly have a strong sense of image and a passion for mythology, so there's a lot of promise here, but the grammar is warped and twisted to a point where the writing just feels clumsy, forced into ill-fitting clothes, and bursting at the seams. If I was to list all of the outright grammatical mistakes this post would be very long, so I've compiled a list from about the first half to give you an idea:
*"all strong, none wrong", Line 4; this isn't actually grammatically incorrect, it just feels very clumsy and amateurish because the second half of that extract feels like it was jammed in to force a rhyme and reach an arbitrary line length
*"whom we belong", L8; this should be "to whom we belong", although I do like that you wrote "whom" instead of "who"; so many (including myself) get that wrong
*"that brought was by the elven kind", L14; I'm guessing this jumbled line (it should, as I'm sure you know, be "that was brought") was written this way to fit a rhythm you had in your head; unless you're following an established poetic form (i.e. sonnet, villanelle etc.) or even just blank verse, it's unwise to force your language around a rhythm only you can hear
*"through tale’s unfold", L15; apostrophe not needed, as word should be plural, not possessive or abbreviative
*"resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.", L26-7; there's actually nothing wrong with this one, I just bring it up to add a positive to this list, because although it's far from perfect it does illustrate a rhythm accessible to the reader, and doesn't twist grammar two egregiously
*"yet luckless we to have travailed", L52; I marked this up as wrong, but reading it again it's actually grammatically acceptable; I guess the twisted grammar used throughout was blinding me to what did make sense at this point
You have the bones of a really good poem here. As I said earlier, there's a lot of promise, in your imagery, your knowledge of myth, and your storytelling skill. I think what would help immensely is if you decided which events in the story are absolutely necessary to its telling (the mention of the caves, the felling of the king, and so on), rip out everything else, then start afresh in either an established form (like a sonnet) or free verse, making sure each sentence (not just the lines, but where the full stops come in) flows like straight prose would.
My critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx
*"all strong, none wrong", Line 4; this isn't actually grammatically incorrect, it just feels very clumsy and amateurish because the second half of that extract feels like it was jammed in to force a rhyme and reach an arbitrary line length
*"whom we belong", L8; this should be "to whom we belong", although I do like that you wrote "whom" instead of "who"; so many (including myself) get that wrong
*"that brought was by the elven kind", L14; I'm guessing this jumbled line (it should, as I'm sure you know, be "that was brought") was written this way to fit a rhythm you had in your head; unless you're following an established poetic form (i.e. sonnet, villanelle etc.) or even just blank verse, it's unwise to force your language around a rhythm only you can hear
*"through tale’s unfold", L15; apostrophe not needed, as word should be plural, not possessive or abbreviative
*"resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.", L26-7; there's actually nothing wrong with this one, I just bring it up to add a positive to this list, because although it's far from perfect it does illustrate a rhythm accessible to the reader, and doesn't twist grammar two egregiously
*"yet luckless we to have travailed", L52; I marked this up as wrong, but reading it again it's actually grammatically acceptable; I guess the twisted grammar used throughout was blinding me to what did make sense at this point
You have the bones of a really good poem here. As I said earlier, there's a lot of promise, in your imagery, your knowledge of myth, and your storytelling skill. I think what would help immensely is if you decided which events in the story are absolutely necessary to its telling (the mention of the caves, the felling of the king, and so on), rip out everything else, then start afresh in either an established form (like a sonnet) or free verse, making sure each sentence (not just the lines, but where the full stops come in) flows like straight prose would.
My critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe