The Eternal Sunset

[operadiva]

I agree with the formatting comments. I would not have it center justified. As far as rhythm goes, I think some of the lines were too long. I found a way to make them sound the way I think they were intended, but it took some work. The rhyming is pretty good, just make sure none of it sounds forced. Personally, I am not a fan of old English. I am assuming you did that in order to have to syllabic stress you were looking for. Perhaps this poem is more successful when read out loud and performed. I think you have good ideas and trying to say something new about life/death is fantastic. I like the ideas you have, keep working on it. Most importantly, thank you for sharing! L4,5,6 -- i really liked those lines!! 'muscles die and senses fail' also has bleak inevitability to it, i like that. 

thank you again for sharing.