Skeleton On The Sea Floor -- revision

[Lizzie]

It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I love the progression here. You lead with the title and the reader expects something about a skeleton and an ocean, but you take that feeling of expectation and develop it into a poem about sadness. Things like "unable to breath", "weight fell...", "decomposes", and "lungs to surrender" remind us about the title again. Very nice. Maybe to enhance this development take "clinically depressed" and replace it with something less obvious to preserve a sense of subtlety? I feel like opening with that is a little glaring and detracts from the awesome structure you have developed.

Hi EarthwareVessel, welcome to the site
Thanks for your comments, I'll utilize them in the revision. Thanks for letting me know what's working for you.

Cheers!
lizziep

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It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe.

I've been coming back to this poem for quite a while now, I've wanted to find some solid crit to add before commenting and I struggled to find something meaningful to add. Having said that, I will comment anyway lol Because I think that you've done a great job. I love the imagery of the title and it's link to the depression. And it says something to me that the imagery of the title holds throughout the poem despite what is rather straight forward, not overly flowery language. It's such a short poem to hold such a clear message, well done! I keep coming back to it.

Thanks for your kind words, nikkisto
I've been meaning to get to at least one of your poems that's in serious workshopping, and this is a good reminder for me that I need to do that. I like your work.

Thanks again,
lizziep