The lay of Gárinbàr

[Brownlie]

Hey, I like fantasy, but the people who are really into it are probably major nerds, which means they'll look for: original end rhymes, sentence structure that's not contorted to sound old timey, and language that is concise.

I gave some comments that might help you start editing, or they may not if I'm being a total d hole. Good luck. I hope you do well. 

Little backstory: We're talking about dwarves who solely lived in caves and only contact they had with the outside world was simple trade with elves. This is, in short, the "birth" (not that much detailed) and fall of their kingdom once the beasts were woken in the great abyss. This is the first of this kind that I have written, so please be a bit constructive when you rip it to shreds. Enjoy.





The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr, --Work on sentence structure. We were the dwarves of garbinbar. Keep in mind were is a relatively weak verb as well.
My King below the earthly light, -- not sure about earthly light? earth is not generally a source of light. Do dwarves live in the earth?
of realms, of halls with all their might.
A host of dwarves, all strong, none wrong
led he, foremost, with sword and song.
We dwelt within the grandest town,
secure beneath his sturdy crown,
the Golden Helm, whom we belong,
protecting us for ages long. -- ages = something that is long. so ages long is redundant.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr,
My King had lived in halls of gold,
on throne he sat in chambers cold.
From barrels full of finest wine,
that brought was by the elven kind,
he drank himself, through tale’s unfold,
of o’r protector, Gárin Bold.
Though not before we show design,
that dwarven kinsmen hold divine.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King whose home was wrought in stone
beneath, where sun had not yet shone,
with lanterns crowned by Áldebàr
withheld the light of shining star.
Through eerie caves had long it flown,
the darkest lonely river’s own
resplendent light was seen afar
below the clouds as deepened scar.
 
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King, the demons fled from chain,
each hall became a bloody drain,
from dwarves that fought in lands,
that never touched the human hands,
where dwarves of honored kins were slain,
were left to orcs who long had lain,
in pits, in caves by Barun’s rule,
until the day we woke the ghoul.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King had gathered all the dwarves,
and seek did aid from kings of elves.
Alas, it was to no avail,
for forest dwellers left us bale.
The Queen of Green, Alei the fair,
did barely show but little care.
They left us fighting all alone,
and our future left unshown.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who still had never failed,
prepared to have again assailed,
the foes that came from holes beneath,
with axes, bows, with swords in sheaths.
We hoped to qucikly have prevailed,
yet luckless we to have travailed,
in battles long, for losses vast,
then rallied we to make offense.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King prepared his final stand,
with Lords like Erno he to fend
and Lános, Láhos, Láhnder all,
he wished to have them never fall.
With Vilmon marched the sons of Dees
Behind the King was Aldir Rees
Who first did fall from arrow’s kiss,
Still soldiers marched without remiss.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
My King who struck the orcan horde
The greenest blood now spilled on sword.
A silver broad two men would hold
Did bear the hands of Gárin Bold.
And mighty King of dwarves may be,
But arrow made of blackest tree
Had tougher head than Dagen’s cage,
And thus the first did just enrage.
 
The dwarves we were of Gárinbàr.
The King was fell by second smite.
It fell him hard without a fight
Yet marched we on towards the light
Behind the orcs it shone so bright
Once blood was spilled that glossy star
His spirit now the sky had scarred
And watched upon as victors are
The dwarves they were of Gárinbàr.