09-21-2016, 11:24 AM
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché. your title is interesting. However, this opening is extremely weak. It doesn't set anything up honestly and I'm left wondering "Like what cliche"
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away. im not sure why you've decided the stanzas need to be two lines each. I think that this stanza should be merged with the one below. Poetry is often about showing over telling, however your poem has a lot of telling, and not enough showing. I think personifying love here might work better.
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?
Is your heart made of stone? this is a silly question. of course not. where did you get this line from?
My heart rests in the place we met. you offer no context clues about where this is?
I could love you,
but I will leave you alonethen why are wasting time on these lines for. It's a non-sequitor letdown.
For you, this adds nothing and honesty should be cut.
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
its not all bad. There is an idea to be understood from reading the poem, and you are able to get your message across.. but, what about the poem is unique? The title made me want to read but after that I'm struggling to find a stroke of cleverness.
soaking wet like some cliché. your title is interesting. However, this opening is extremely weak. It doesn't set anything up honestly and I'm left wondering "Like what cliche"
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away. im not sure why you've decided the stanzas need to be two lines each. I think that this stanza should be merged with the one below. Poetry is often about showing over telling, however your poem has a lot of telling, and not enough showing. I think personifying love here might work better.
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?
Is your heart made of stone? this is a silly question. of course not. where did you get this line from?
My heart rests in the place we met. you offer no context clues about where this is?
I could love you,
but I will leave you alonethen why are wasting time on these lines for. It's a non-sequitor letdown.
For you, this adds nothing and honesty should be cut.
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
its not all bad. There is an idea to be understood from reading the poem, and you are able to get your message across.. but, what about the poem is unique? The title made me want to read but after that I'm struggling to find a stroke of cleverness.