The New Paranoia

[71degrees]

Edit #1

Certain emails I’ve been receiving
lately disturb me.

Strangers ask about the size
of my penis, my stamina,
wondering about my lady,
if she is satisfied.

Who are these people
and how do they know
these things?  -- I'd leave off these last two words. I don't think they work to clarify anything, and the mystery of leaving them off is nice -- goes with your theme of paranoia.

Where were they the first time
I was alone with Sherri Longfellow -- I'd put a comma at the end of this line
when I went home breathless
and she was witness to all
those embarrassing stains? -- Ok, so good stuff here. What is needed here is some stronger verbs. You have 'was alone', 'went home', and these could have much more action or tension. Evocative verbs like 'I romanced Sherri Longfellow,' or, 'I slinked home' will serve you much better.

Also, you have her response (was witness) in the passive voice which doesn't suit in my opinion, because that character was an active witness to the speaker's story. So, maybe you could say something like, 'she gasped when she saw those embarrassing stains." Even just using 'and she witnessed all those embarrassing stains' would be better than the passive, I think.

But, otherwise, the revision is much tighter and easier to read. Well done

Like the comments about "passive" voice, lizziep. Thank you. Will take a hard look here.

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This is a response to the first edit of the poem. It's a nice little bit of comic verse, elegantly structured, amusing (I laughed), and relate-able in its depiction of the pathetic teenage-male experience, remembered as an adult swamped with junk mail. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx

You're welcome. Thanks for commenting.