09-20-2016, 10:16 AM
I like the elegance of some of the rhythm and images here, but the poem has an oddly disjointed feel which makes it read more like song lyrics than narrative verse. I think the issue is that it's too vague in its narrative to be a proper poem. It either needs lengthening and sharpening, or it needs to eschew narrative altogether and just describe the feelings as they relate to an unnamed "she". JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read. - Jack xxx
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe