09-17-2016, 05:43 AM
(09-13-2016, 05:09 AM)DJesters Wrote: Those luscious, golden locks on high ( I am not sure I get the use of on high, Is there something better to fit into the rhyme here)
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat. ( I think you could re word this to make it more effective. I saw your eplanation of what that means and i kind of get it but its a bit cloudy)
Sweet to touch and soft to feel; ( is this referring to the tendrils?)
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain. ( I may be missing something but seeing as rivers move but you "still Remain" I am not sure this is effective imagery ( although rivers are peacfull-sometimes)
Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.
Hey there, despite me not really understanding your poem (i sometimes get lost easy) it was still enjoyable to read. I agree with the comment that locks of hair wouldn't feel like rain falling from the sky. If you want to use vine later on in the poem to refer to her hair , maybe you could throw in a vine imagery metaphor or simile instead of rain. I think that may help with clarity and tie it all together more. Also, If you were to decide to ditch "on high" for something else it would be easier with a new second line. Also I was curious about your decision to reverse the rhyme scheme in the last stanza. In all other stanzas you rhyme the first two lines but in the last one it is the last two, just wondering your reasoning if it was for effect? Thank you for sharing your poem, and letting strangers like me practice reading and critiquing! Hope full I offered you some helpful ideas. Looking forward to see where you go with this poem.