09-14-2016, 03:29 AM
Beer and cigarettes
and you, your languid locks, For me languid just isn't the right pick. Maybe something like restful or frail? Just a thought
are always in my world of drunken walks Drunkenness works great in the second stanza, so you might want to change this. Perhaps use blurred, longing, midnight or anything that can be associated with it.
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows Cut "the"
of walls spattered with poetry.
Thursday nights your longing is a sea Thursday nights should be left out. "Your longing is a sea" is a good line, it is unnecessary to delay the poetry/sea rhyme.
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows mermaid's? You can cut "the"
turn not to me.
Impossible angel
that runs not to me. who runs not to me
But runs to the deep sea's emptiness "the" can be removed here as well. And maybe deepest instead of deep?
in the white frothed wave that follows you can leave it here
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness and you definitely should leave it here.
that burns not for me.
and you, your languid locks, For me languid just isn't the right pick. Maybe something like restful or frail? Just a thought
are always in my world of drunken walks Drunkenness works great in the second stanza, so you might want to change this. Perhaps use blurred, longing, midnight or anything that can be associated with it.
through Barbican and Bishopsgate,
in the moonbeam shallows Cut "the"
of walls spattered with poetry.
Thursday nights your longing is a sea Thursday nights should be left out. "Your longing is a sea" is a good line, it is unnecessary to delay the poetry/sea rhyme.
crossing through hours of drunkenness.
Mindful glances in the mermaid shadows mermaid's? You can cut "the"
turn not to me.
Impossible angel
that runs not to me. who runs not to me
But runs to the deep sea's emptiness "the" can be removed here as well. And maybe deepest instead of deep?
in the white frothed wave that follows you can leave it here
the moon's pale lamp of loneliness and you definitely should leave it here.
that burns not for me.