09-13-2016, 08:15 AM
(09-10-2016, 12:15 AM)71degrees Wrote: The emails I’ve been receiving First time critiquing on phone! fuck, hard.
lately are so disturbing to me: are so disturbing to me sounds awkward.
strangers asking me
about the size of my penis,
my stamina, mmm penis imagery
wondering
about my lady,i keep thinking "wondering / about my lady, / asking me if she is satisfied." the whole stanza doesn't really feel as natural as the others, in terms of breath
if she is satisfied.
Who are these
people?
How are they
privy to these things?
And where were they
that first time I was alone
with Sherri Longfellow
when I went home out of breath
and she was witness
to all those stains stains of embarrassment sounds proverbial -- i would not divide it so. and the breath of earlier lines, too, supports fusing them lines -- and stains and embarrassment as end words does feel kinda redundant.
of embarrassment?
overall, lovely, though not the kind of image focused poem im currently recommending myself. but again, has its place -- lovely.