09-13-2016, 01:00 AM
Thanks to everyone who's commented thus far!
@Achebe: Just to clarify a couple of things, the final strophe was intended to reiterate the new "rainbow" (contrasted with the partially positive aspects of the opening stanza), including the grey that the subject sees everywhere. I agree with your point about the line breaks not necessarily corresponding to natural pauses. I will certainly work on that!
@71degrees: I certainly understand your frustration with the first stanza including all the colors instead of having them broken up into individual stanzas. The struggle there for me was trying to figure out whether or not I should focus on the flow or the symbolism (that being the correspondence between the meaning of the colors and their place on the Syrian flag). I really appreciate your comment about the POV making it seem like I'm actually there. In truth, I'm only 17 and haven't been any further east than Italy, although I do hope to visit the Middle East someday. As a side question, is the ambition that you pointed out positive or negative?
@RiverNotch: Thank you for taking the time to analyze this line by line, it means a lot. As I said with 71degrees, I've never actually been to Syria but was so incredibly moved by the video of Omran Daqneesh sitting in the ambulance that I felt the urge to write this piece. I have an obsession with detail, so the culturally authentic bits that you see are a result of that
Part of the reason why I included the "Now the grey ... / red and grey" stanza was to emphasize the fact that Omran didn't make a sound when he was so clearly in pain. However, I totally see how his emotional pain overshadows that. I really like your point about eliminating the "Syrian" tag on "the slickness that covers / Syrian faces" because it widens the poem's applicability to all victims of war. Ditto with your point about the last line—I recognized while writing this that "to the tune of gunfire" was a somewhat weak ending.
@Achebe: Just to clarify a couple of things, the final strophe was intended to reiterate the new "rainbow" (contrasted with the partially positive aspects of the opening stanza), including the grey that the subject sees everywhere. I agree with your point about the line breaks not necessarily corresponding to natural pauses. I will certainly work on that!
@71degrees: I certainly understand your frustration with the first stanza including all the colors instead of having them broken up into individual stanzas. The struggle there for me was trying to figure out whether or not I should focus on the flow or the symbolism (that being the correspondence between the meaning of the colors and their place on the Syrian flag). I really appreciate your comment about the POV making it seem like I'm actually there. In truth, I'm only 17 and haven't been any further east than Italy, although I do hope to visit the Middle East someday. As a side question, is the ambition that you pointed out positive or negative?
@RiverNotch: Thank you for taking the time to analyze this line by line, it means a lot. As I said with 71degrees, I've never actually been to Syria but was so incredibly moved by the video of Omran Daqneesh sitting in the ambulance that I felt the urge to write this piece. I have an obsession with detail, so the culturally authentic bits that you see are a result of that
Part of the reason why I included the "Now the grey ... / red and grey" stanza was to emphasize the fact that Omran didn't make a sound when he was so clearly in pain. However, I totally see how his emotional pain overshadows that. I really like your point about eliminating the "Syrian" tag on "the slickness that covers / Syrian faces" because it widens the poem's applicability to all victims of war. Ditto with your point about the last line—I recognized while writing this that "to the tune of gunfire" was a somewhat weak ending.