09-10-2016, 11:15 PM
The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.
A body writhes against the ro
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted.
-------------------------------------------------
A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.
[/quote]
I love the imagery used in this poem. I feel like I'm sitting there watching this sacrifice take place. The only critique I would have on this poem is the rythym of it. It's hard to grab a flow when reading it and is kind of choppy at points. The good thing about rythym problems is they are easy to fix with practice! What helps me attain a good rythym in my poems is reading them out loud to myself and the poem should just naturally breathe and flow. You've got something good going though! Keep it up!
a totem on the heaven's steps.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.
A body writhes against the ro
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted.
-------------------------------------------------
A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.
[/quote]
I love the imagery used in this poem. I feel like I'm sitting there watching this sacrifice take place. The only critique I would have on this poem is the rythym of it. It's hard to grab a flow when reading it and is kind of choppy at points. The good thing about rythym problems is they are easy to fix with practice! What helps me attain a good rythym in my poems is reading them out loud to myself and the poem should just naturally breathe and flow. You've got something good going though! Keep it up!