09-10-2016, 01:40 PM
Draft #2 has been posted, taking several of dukealien's suggestions (though not all). Notes below.
S1
* The first four lines have gone through serious revision, and still feel incomplete.
* Minor adjustments to the last six lines, formatting adjusted for syllable count.
S2
* Punctuation lightly adjusted, dirty throats -> swollen throats
* Still trying to alter S2 L12 "a fool who gently slid into the night" (a shameful way to quote, I feel)
S3
* Major changes to much of S3. Word choice adjusted, and many lines altered severely or entirely. This was originally the stanza I rushed the most, hence the cliches in draft #1. I spent a long time writing these three, by the time I reached the third, I just wanted to get it posted to get some feedback.
Overall, I feel it's slowly shaping into the piece it's supposed to be. I'm still unsure of S1 L2-4, S2 L12, and S3 L14 in particular.
S1
* The first four lines have gone through serious revision, and still feel incomplete.
* Minor adjustments to the last six lines, formatting adjusted for syllable count.
S2
* Punctuation lightly adjusted, dirty throats -> swollen throats
* Still trying to alter S2 L12 "a fool who gently slid into the night" (a shameful way to quote, I feel)
S3
* Major changes to much of S3. Word choice adjusted, and many lines altered severely or entirely. This was originally the stanza I rushed the most, hence the cliches in draft #1. I spent a long time writing these three, by the time I reached the third, I just wanted to get it posted to get some feedback.
Overall, I feel it's slowly shaping into the piece it's supposed to be. I'm still unsure of S1 L2-4, S2 L12, and S3 L14 in particular.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona