09-09-2016, 09:38 PM
Hi Keith I like what you've got here.
You could use 'spliff' to avoid any ambiguity over 'joint'.
I know that you've stuck to the syllable structure and you've more than likely read all the discussions about whether it's necessary to stick to the 5-7-5 structure. However if you were happy to experiment with fewer syllables I think it could be used to good effect with this piece.
A possible suggestion could be
spliff singes car seat
old tree learns
dissection
Even if you wanted to stick to the 5-7-5 count I think that you could leave out 'driver' and let the reader do the interpretation.
Also it's probably a senryu as opposed to a haiku, but I'm probably just being to fussy.
Cheers for the read,
Mark
You could use 'spliff' to avoid any ambiguity over 'joint'.
I know that you've stuck to the syllable structure and you've more than likely read all the discussions about whether it's necessary to stick to the 5-7-5 structure. However if you were happy to experiment with fewer syllables I think it could be used to good effect with this piece.
A possible suggestion could be
spliff singes car seat
old tree learns
dissection
Even if you wanted to stick to the 5-7-5 count I think that you could leave out 'driver' and let the reader do the interpretation.
Also it's probably a senryu as opposed to a haiku, but I'm probably just being to fussy.
Cheers for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie