09-06-2016, 03:25 PM
a great voice and some really great lines but there's also many lines that don't work.
Where would I be out there?
They laugh
They stare
They're wearing my underwear
almost made me snigger, apart from the fact it's a bit funny, it's also a little forced as though you didn't consider anything else and just went for the rhyme
Kisses hurt like slams
Of a hammer
excellent lines with good sonics that don't feel forced. the simile works hard in getting the image across unlike the underwear lines. in general it's a well read piece that needs a bit of an edit.
Where would I be out there?
They laugh
They stare
They're wearing my underwear
almost made me snigger, apart from the fact it's a bit funny, it's also a little forced as though you didn't consider anything else and just went for the rhyme
Kisses hurt like slams
Of a hammer
excellent lines with good sonics that don't feel forced. the simile works hard in getting the image across unlike the underwear lines. in general it's a well read piece that needs a bit of an edit.