04-22-2010, 09:30 AM
Chilling. I know it wasn't really graphic, but it felt graphic. Nice one.
Not much to edit in terms of the form of the poem, but I personally think your title needs to be changed. It gives the story away, and at the same time doesn't complement it well.
Not much to edit in terms of the form of the poem, but I personally think your title needs to be changed. It gives the story away, and at the same time doesn't complement it well.
(04-22-2010, 08:42 AM)billy Wrote: Look mommy,Thanks for the read
isn’t that a beautiful cloud?
It has such brightness
see, it's leaving the city
Rising to heaven. For me I'd reword this verse to make it sound more like a little child. Could be just a taste thing
Mommy, why has the cloud darkened the sky?
Mommy, why is the ground shaking?
Mommy, why is it so hot?
Mommy what’s that loud noise?
Mommy, why does my chest feel like it’s on fire?
I’m scared mommy
Mommy
Mommy
Mom…
M………. Like this ending
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?