09-05-2016, 04:29 PM
A Straight Man v 2! Some notes.
I've removed the refrain! It's a bit of an experiment, though, since the repetitious nature of the earlier is still kinda stuck in my head, so I can't guarantee if it'll stick.
I've switched up some lines in stanza 2! but only for the sake of the removed refrain.
I've switched from "rub" to "stroke"! @Wjames
I've emphasized the masculine word! @lizziep
Another big change: I've rearranged the last two stanzas! Made it so that the connection between the grandmother's death and the whole love thing is made clearer, and the whole first kiss thing draws directly into the conclusion. That last stanza is definitely another experiment, especially with that switch from sweet sorrow to fast madness. Still feels kinda unsatisfying, though. But many thanks to y'all!
I've removed the refrain! It's a bit of an experiment, though, since the repetitious nature of the earlier is still kinda stuck in my head, so I can't guarantee if it'll stick.
I've switched up some lines in stanza 2! but only for the sake of the removed refrain.
I've switched from "rub" to "stroke"! @Wjames
I've emphasized the masculine word! @lizziep
Another big change: I've rearranged the last two stanzas! Made it so that the connection between the grandmother's death and the whole love thing is made clearer, and the whole first kiss thing draws directly into the conclusion. That last stanza is definitely another experiment, especially with that switch from sweet sorrow to fast madness. Still feels kinda unsatisfying, though. But many thanks to y'all!