09-04-2016, 12:45 PM
Hi, and welcome to the site. I'm sure I know you from somewhere ... 
You seem to be at ease with work shopping, which is great, and by your comments so far you're going to be a strength here.
I like the form you've chosen - fits the content well, the repeats give me sorrow, as it comes in waves. I like your delicate touch, evoking emotion without pathos.
My major advice is about the use of abstract nouns. In lots of places, you've used plants to show emotion, but in others you're
'telling' what you feel. I think, if you stick to images, your message is more effective. And affective too I guess.
This is a difficult form, and you're doing really well with it. I like the way you've subverted it here and there, to carry your message more clearly. Don't be afraid to do that some more, if it helps the poem.
And thanks for posting it. I look forward to reading another revision, if you keep going with it.
Paperwhite (edit 1.2 - The Botanical Edit)
Baby's breath on my chest
rests. The blooms rise, fall, echo
the hush in the wake of a soul 'soul' is too abstract - 'bud' or something else botanical might work better
plucked bare. Time does not 'time' is another abstraction - you've personified it, so why not say 'Trees do not...'
rest, but blooms, rises, falls, echoes
hours, days—fruiting trees 'fruiting trees / plucked bare is a great metaphor here
plucked bare. Time does not
care but creeps past the weeping.
Our days are fruits on trees. the verb 'to be' is very passive - even 'our days become ...' is more active
Yesterday I buried my sons stark and carries a lot of weight
and cares. I crept, past weeping, the syntax here gives me that your sons are buried, so now you have no cares
as willows bowed in sighs. willow is a good symbol of death and mourning, but 'bowed in sighs' doesn't work
for me
Yesterday I buried my sons
under tiger lilies. But now I find, 'today' instead of 'But now' would link sonically (is that even a word?) to 'yesterday'
willows bowed in sighs
of answered prayer, quiet 'sighs / of answered prayers' doesn't work for me
under tiger lilies. Now I find, very tall tiger lilies, if the willows are under them
in the hush of a wakeful soul,
an answered prayer, quiet
as Baby's breath on my chest. lovely, strong ending
You seem to be at ease with work shopping, which is great, and by your comments so far you're going to be a strength here. I like the form you've chosen - fits the content well, the repeats give me sorrow, as it comes in waves. I like your delicate touch, evoking emotion without pathos.
My major advice is about the use of abstract nouns. In lots of places, you've used plants to show emotion, but in others you're
'telling' what you feel. I think, if you stick to images, your message is more effective. And affective too I guess.
This is a difficult form, and you're doing really well with it. I like the way you've subverted it here and there, to carry your message more clearly. Don't be afraid to do that some more, if it helps the poem.
And thanks for posting it. I look forward to reading another revision, if you keep going with it.
Paperwhite (edit 1.2 - The Botanical Edit)
Baby's breath on my chest
rests. The blooms rise, fall, echo
the hush in the wake of a soul 'soul' is too abstract - 'bud' or something else botanical might work better
plucked bare. Time does not 'time' is another abstraction - you've personified it, so why not say 'Trees do not...'
rest, but blooms, rises, falls, echoes
hours, days—fruiting trees 'fruiting trees / plucked bare is a great metaphor here
plucked bare. Time does not
care but creeps past the weeping.
Our days are fruits on trees. the verb 'to be' is very passive - even 'our days become ...' is more active
Yesterday I buried my sons stark and carries a lot of weight
and cares. I crept, past weeping, the syntax here gives me that your sons are buried, so now you have no cares
as willows bowed in sighs. willow is a good symbol of death and mourning, but 'bowed in sighs' doesn't work
for me
Yesterday I buried my sons
under tiger lilies. But now I find, 'today' instead of 'But now' would link sonically (is that even a word?) to 'yesterday'
willows bowed in sighs
of answered prayer, quiet 'sighs / of answered prayers' doesn't work for me
under tiger lilies. Now I find, very tall tiger lilies, if the willows are under them
in the hush of a wakeful soul,
an answered prayer, quiet
as Baby's breath on my chest. lovely, strong ending