(02-05-2016, 03:00 AM)nikkisto Wrote: Edit 1 (with revision)-One more thing: you use "life" 3 times plus "live" once. As I said, I think you can cut the instance of "live," but I'd also suggest finding other ways to say (or cut) "life" to one instance. It's one of those words that "a little goes a long way."
Valley of Fire, Red Rock, Seven Sisters.
Hallowed sites of this new home
lush with alliteration and untapped adventure, - "alliteration" takes me out of the poem, distracts me from the imagery already established. Though I understand why you'd like it there, do you need it? I suggest cutting it to let the alliteration do it's thing anonymously.Likewise, "untapped" feels inconsistent with the tone. Consider "waiting" or "fresh" in its place, to echo the greenness.
but devoid of the emerald blanket of life -- why not "void" instead of "devoid"?
now only in the corners of my self.
Intangible in farness, -- I too like "farness"
ever present in ensuing doubt. -- hyphenate "ever-present"; nice assonance
See what you have tossed aside. -- I agree with Leanne's suggestion to use a colon here, or an emdash ("—" = Alt+0151 on windows)
The origin site, rolling with the rushing water of life. --... and I second a comma here.
Veiled to you once more.
Time, space, promise, hope.
Ideas circling shadows of the new, -- maybe make the connection explicitly to birds circling, name the ideas as hawks or vultures... Not necessary, but an opportunity for another image to extend the metaphor.
dropping seeds of antiquity into this cracked earth.
Let the heat of this place embrace you. -- with a comma here instead, you could trim the next line...
Feel it leverage its brazen promise against your gray regret. -- "leverage" feels out of place; I know it's a bit drastic, but consider trimming "feel it leverage its"
Listen again in this rough breeze, -- do you need "again"? I do love "rough breeze"
the vibrant hues live against the sky, -- I know it changes the line a bit, but you could cut "live."
the life that pulses out of sight.
I am here, your Eden of reprieve,
I am here. We are here.
I can feel the Nevada heat in this. It's beautiful.


Likewise, "untapped" feels inconsistent with the tone. Consider "waiting" or "fresh" in its place, to echo the greenness.