09-02-2016, 03:25 PM
(09-02-2016, 05:31 AM)artjewl Wrote: PaperwhiteLet me just say that there are some beautiful phrases here. I love the last stanza and the image that you paint with those words. Stylistically, the formatting and line breaks seem to take away from what is a lovely, melancholy poem. I am also very, very new to poetry technicalities and should not be taken completely seriously when it comes to the rules. "Now I find, in the hush of a wakeful soul..." So much beauty there that I want to see it stand on its own as the lead of that last stanza. It gets lost to me some times, the words when we jump line breaks and pull things here to there. Beautiful piece to start. Very well done!!
Baby's breath on my chest
rests. The blooms rise, fall, echo
the hush in the wake of a soul Beautiful line here the imagery grabbed me.
stripped bare. Time does not The line end here, seems to pull me out of the read,
It makes me think format, not about the beautiful writing?
rest, but blooms, rises, falls, echos
hours, days, eternal moments
stripped bare. Time does not Later you talk of time as a fabric, would this maybe be a place to begin
care but dances through tears That idea, it seems to need more for me and you seem to be building here?
Our days are eternal moments. Again here, I feel like this line fits better at the end of the last stanza,
Yesterday I buried my sons. And then you start with a strong, almost blow to the reader here.
and cares while dancing through tears
in the fabric of horizons.
Yesterday I buried my sons
under tigerlilies. But now I find,
in the fabric of horizons,
an answered prayer, quiet
under tigerlilies. Now I find,
in the hush of a wakeful soul,
an answered prayer, quiet
as Baby's breath on my chest.
And then, I do my due diligence in reading more crits and see that, yes, I've missed a technical point. Do ignore my formatting nonsens talk. Hahaha. Beautifully started, awaiting the edits!
