09-02-2016, 09:32 AM
The first paragraph a lot of people stop to pick up coins, I stopped because of the cricket, and wonder about all the coins on the ground, falling out of my or anyone's pocket. interesting idea; bring it out more. i don't see any of this in the stanza.
The second is about the cricket using the coin as a stage to woo a female probably, so how I could use the coin to buy you (lady friend) exotic chocolates (confidence to ask out so to speak not gold digging lol love it though) i saw the coin as a stage; don't use passive voice. let the cricket be active in the sentence. 'had been' is never good (actually past perfect passive, yikes!)
And third paragraph is where I really wanted to rap about the sheer number of coins on the ground. You seemed to like the third one the best which I thought was the confusing one lol. again, bring out the number of coins on the ground idea more
And to me it wouldn't be economics if it wasn't hard to read through. this is poetry though; allow the economics theme to be secondary, IMO
I think I may drop some adjectives though, make it easier overall to sing out, doesn't need to be a tongue twister. please sing
The second is about the cricket using the coin as a stage to woo a female probably, so how I could use the coin to buy you (lady friend) exotic chocolates (confidence to ask out so to speak not gold digging lol love it though) i saw the coin as a stage; don't use passive voice. let the cricket be active in the sentence. 'had been' is never good (actually past perfect passive, yikes!)
And third paragraph is where I really wanted to rap about the sheer number of coins on the ground. You seemed to like the third one the best which I thought was the confusing one lol. again, bring out the number of coins on the ground idea more
And to me it wouldn't be economics if it wasn't hard to read through. this is poetry though; allow the economics theme to be secondary, IMO
I think I may drop some adjectives though, make it easier overall to sing out, doesn't need to be a tongue twister. please sing
Thanks to this Forum
