Paperwhite (edit 1.2 - Sept 3, 2016)

[Todd]

Hi, welcome to the site!

Lovely piece. There's a very soft, sad quality to it. Some comments below:

Paperwhite


Baby's breath on my chest--I love the dual use of baby's breath both as the ornamental flower and possibly the actual breath of an infant.
rests. The blooms rise, fall, echo--like the internal rhyme. Especially like that the echo is of a hush (silence).
the hush in the wake of a soul
stripped bare. Time does not--a lot in this sequence. The hush comes in the wake of an unnamed event. That the soul is stripped bare implies someone brought down to their foundation, some loss, or extreme event. I like the break here on Time does not because the speaker would like to freeze the moment, try to recover, get their bearings and they get to do that for a strophe break--time then keeps moving forward with all its consequences.


rest, but blooms, rises, falls, echos--(typo: echoes) The repetition keeps this moment folding in on itself. The speaker likely trapped and reliving the past
hours, days, eternal moments--This feels a little too general. It also feels like its moving in the wrong direction though that could simply be my read of it. I feel like I want it to move instead from larger periods of time to one specific period of time. I also am not sure about eternal moments. Eternity as a concept sort of sits outside of time, but my main issue is it seems too faux-poetic. 
stripped bare. Time does not--Repeating your previous break might be a nice choice to build on the parallel structure. Just a thought nothing more.
care but dances through tears.--dances seems an odd personification.


Our days are eternal moments.--I'd like something more concrete and decisive here, a stronger metaphor.
Yesterday I buried my sons--There is a part of me that would like to see this start a strophe with a strophe break before it. It would emphasize the shift better.
and cares while dancing through tears--dancing again doesn't feel quite right.
in the fabric of horizons.--I love this phrasing. I think something earlier to set it up more would give it a sense of payoff. I think of the fates and their cloth and their cutting. I don't know something tied in with time.


Yesterday I buried my sons
under tigerlilies. But now I find,
in the fabric of horizons,
an answered prayer, quiet-- The repetition and layering here really work for me.


under tigerlilies. Now I find, --Probably just a style choice but you may want to consider moving under tigerlilies up to end the strophe above
in the hush of a wakeful soul,
an answered prayer, quiet
as Baby's breath on my chest.--lovely ending. There's an emotional payoff here playing between the loss of buried sons and the dual implication of Baby's breath. Very good use of circling the ending to the beginning as if the speaker is trapped in this one moment.

I hope some of the comments will be helpful. I also realize some of them jack with the form a bit but I'm less concerned about the form and more concerned about the end result. Again, lovely work.

Best,

Todd