09-02-2016, 05:44 AM
This is a very accomplished and beautiful piece of writing. The repetition is subtle and evocative; the internal rhymes that weave through stitch this together very neatly. There are a couple of places where it could be tighter but overall, it was a pleasure to read.
(09-02-2016, 05:31 AM)artjewl Wrote: Paperwhite
Baby's breath on my chest
rests. The blooms rise, fall, echo
the hush in the wake of a soul
stripped bare. Time does not
rest, but blooms, rises, falls, echos -- *echoes, unless there's a different US spelling
hours, days, eternal moments
stripped bare. Time does not
care but dances through tears. -- dances just doesn't seem right to me. It does offer a contrast, a light-hearted action for such a heavy subject. It does work sound-wise though. Not sure. I think I'd prefer a more cynical word, like capers or something, to show that time really doesn't care at all for human misery.
Our days are eternal moments.
Yesterday I buried my sons
and cares while dancing through tears -- though after a couple of readings I realised you meant "sons and cares", the enjambment makes this ever so slightly too ambiguous from my perspective so it reads quite oddly
in the fabric of horizons. -- this image might be just a bit overblown. There's no mention of anything fabric-related in your preceding metaphors so I think this might be a step too far.
Yesterday I buried my sons
under tigerlilies. But now I find, -- do you really need the but? Or if you want to keep the but, consider a comma instead of a full stop after tigerlilies. Although that then runs the sentence on into another tigerlilies. Something is just not right about this as a grammatical construct.
in the fabric of horizons,
an answered prayer, quiet
under tigerlilies. Now I find,
in the hush of a wakeful soul,
an answered prayer, quiet
as Baby's breath on my chest. -- this capitalisation of Baby is a heartrending close
It could be worse