08-30-2016, 11:54 PM
This is pretty and dark. I particularly liked the phrase "raped dreams". It has me wondering what, exactly, the meaning behind that might be.
I personally feel that the poem would benefit a bit more structure. You have these somewhat accidental rhymes..seams dreams or the near rhyme prance, danced. I feel like you could maintain the free verse, while still connecting your thoughts a bit more rhythmically.
I also feel like the term "lipstick" could have a suitable alternative if you looked for one. You could maybe even find a way to rhyme that line with the first. Just my suggestions.
I personally feel that the poem would benefit a bit more structure. You have these somewhat accidental rhymes..seams dreams or the near rhyme prance, danced. I feel like you could maintain the free verse, while still connecting your thoughts a bit more rhythmically.
I also feel like the term "lipstick" could have a suitable alternative if you looked for one. You could maybe even find a way to rhyme that line with the first. Just my suggestions.