08-30-2016, 08:59 PM
I don't think the current edit needs any changes. As much as English haiku demands neither rhyme nor line count, it's always a plus for me, and you already say very, very little (it's almost creepy, how complete everything is, with the three words per line) while showing a whole, whole lot. It is missing the customary (at least for poems this formal) em dash, though, so that "ironweed dry mauve" feels like it further describes the already very definite dragonfly. And "stutters seeking lake" is a bit on the bad-sort-of-ambiguous side -- who seeks, exactly, the dragonfly or the lake? with one finding it easy enough to argue for either. Oh, and last, aren't ironweed buds already mauve? so the first line ends up, on further thought at least, being a bit redundant. Well, there's the irony, then -- it does need some changes, I think. Just not as fundamental ones. The middle line is perfect, by the way, especially as I'm currently taking an entomology class.