08-30-2016, 08:46 PM
(08-30-2016, 12:49 PM)lizziep Wrote: This reminds me of a certain Louise Gluck piece that pretty much deals with the same topic -- I think it involved God wanting us to make the first move, too! It was somewhere in "The Wild Iris", perhaps after one of the Vespers.
They said it was His house, I always like to decapitalize pronouns when referring to God -- it just feels right. Perhaps because it's in English, and I don't think God cares much for courtesies diluted by translation -- or perhaps it's because in the original languages, there was no capitalization, so it develops a sense of familiarity (or, in the case of many prophecies, ambiguity) that adds a certain God-reaching-down-to-us sort of weight.
the church—
that He was in the air
all around us,
and we could hear him whisper
if we believed
that we could hear. This last line is completely unnecessary.
I looked for God the way some people look for ghosts
and dread meeting celebrities. I like these middle lines -- again, familiarity. And on that same tone, since with all this talk of churches and, duh, the title, I think replacing all mentions of God in the piece with pronouns would make the piece reach out more, a la above, perhaps make its audience more definite.
I knelt by the altar
like the adults who wept there,
playing make believe,
seeking
an experience of my own. I just noticed that removing the last line of the first stanza also develops a certain airy sense that you don't really emphasize throughout, even with all this talk of air and cloud and hearing. I think removing a line in this stanza -- perhaps "playing make believe", which also concretizes the speaker's disbelief in a way that removes ambiguity too much -- would enhance that sense. And if done, maybe fusing "seeking / an experience of my own", since the division feels kinda forced.
I opened the 6-foot grand piano I prefer organs. They're just so much cooler.
and played from the hymnal
or from my mom's sheet music
that always sat at the end of the front left pew. These last four lines sound routine. I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing, although "routine" by itself kinda implies bad.
She told me once that she saw Him
come out of the 20-foot tall cross
behind the choir during a service
and that it bled electric red. I kinda like the imagery here -- I'm imagining the Image of Edessa passing slowly out of the shadow, staring her down like God's all grumpy; and the mother'd be all weirded out, thinking "I've never imagined Jesus like this!" -- but I don't like the way it's said. "behind the choir during a service / and that it bled electric red" may be the problem: the color red is much too distant from its subject, cross, with the pronoun opening up the somewhat jarring images of either the choir or the service suddenly bleeding.
She said He asked her if she was ready for Heaven—
She asked for more time. And here, the stanza sorta falls flat. There's a lot of mystery and tension with Jesus slowly showing his face from behind a cross, transmuting its earthly wood an active red -- but then, all he does is ask, and a stupidly commonplace question at that? And the woman's answer isn't even all that special, all that wild, all that emotional. Perhaps it says something about the mother's faith, how she asks for more time, but I remember Saints asking for more time too, not because they were afraid to die, but because they felt like they had much more work to be done, so that I don't think the action currently here is even important. I wouldn't recommend just removing this, though, as that tension does need to be released: some hotter action, perhaps.
Sometimes I climbed up the steps to the pulpit Perhaps remove "sometimes"?
where only one man was allowed to stand. I can't help but think that this is the sort of church that ordains women, and that somehow using "man" instead of "person" makes the piece less vivid.
On tiptoes, I looked out at the empty pews
and said prayers
into the unresponsive microphone. I also can't help but think that "unresponsive" maybe hammering that whole "tight-lipped God" thing a bit too much.
I looked for God the way people look for funnel clouds Don't you mean funnel cake? Alright, funnel cake here, funnel clouds there. And more seriously, I'm keeping to the suggestion of replacing all "God"s with "him"s.
and dread seeing the dead one day, Whoa nelly
the way I never stared directly at that cross again Maybe remove "directly"? But it makes for a nice rhythm, so...
for fear
of what otherworldly things I might see. Or perhaps "what other worldly things". Which makes the current wording really, really nice, even if its length is made grotesque by the shortness of the last one.
I grew up in His house—
He was there, but only half-aware, This feels like the line was constructed just for the rhyme, and honestly, the sentiment feels incomplete.
all the time above me,
all the time
wordless, The break here feels kinda cheap, but it works, so fine, I'll take it.
waiting for me to discover fire Fire that produces smoke, of course -- smoke is prayer, after all. That, or God just really loves the smell of burning flesh.
and finally
earn His love. But yeah, these last three lines are what really introduce that whole Gluck comparison. Overall, lovely.