Keeping You

[Lizzie]

I wish I had the hands of Michelangelo
so I could sculpt another you
out of my tears and all your ashes;
not a David, but a you---
your lungs, your heart, our eyes -- I don't like the sonics of "our eyes." Was it meant to be your?
fired in a kiln of Bic lighters -- this is a great image
until sooty and black. -- I like sooty, but black feels redundant since I think of soot as black. Maybe come up with another descriptor word to replace black.
 
I would stuff you with those million foam filters -- the sonics of million foam filters is lovely
that you flicked between the bricks on our front porch -- flicked and bricks is great also
so you’d be squishy and soft,
then scent you in Irish Spring
and whiten with Crest.
I’d mind never to set you too close -- this phrase feels clunky to me, I might pare it down to 'I'd never set you too close.'
to the microwave, so you’d never get -- I'd end this line with nuked, and that change would really make 'nuked' stand out -- I don't think 'get' really needs to be emphasized. Also, that would call attention to the next line since it would be shorter and then leading down to the 'again' which is very short. So, you'd have the visual of the lines falling out of existence along with the subject. Just a thought.
nuked out of existence---
 
again.
 
Once you were the Marlboro man
and we rode together, not on a Camel, -- nice double meaning
but in a ‘97 Ford Taurus:
You in the front,
me in the car seat behind you.  -- do you need 'car'?
We sang along to “Mrs. Robinson,”
blew bubbles,
and I learned your particular
“drag racing.”
Those trips to Circle K
meant ice-cream drumsticks,
more fuel [for your   a d d i c t i o n] -- like this double meaning as well
and not telling mom.
_________________________________________________________________________
 
You built our home out of old cardboard packs
in the center of a ring-around-the-rosie.
 
But when we all fell down,
you never
               got
                   back
                          up.
 
 
My Marlboro man. 

I love the last bit under the line. I'm curious about the line and what it represents. I'm not coming up with anything.

I, like others, am a bit confused about the identity of the subject, whether lover or brother (I'm assuming brother). It's enough to feel bothersome and a bit unsettling.

I think you've got something very special here, though. You have original images and familiar detail used in an unusual way to make us feel like we really know the character. It's lightly sentimental without becoming sappy or overdone. And, that's hard to do.

So, well done to you! Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

lizziep