08-27-2016, 11:54 AM
Hi tectak - this is hard for me to offer decent critique on, because I don't quite feel your sense of despair (god has been gone for 4 generations now...at least). I felt, however, that some tightening up would help anyway.
(08-23-2016, 04:37 AM)tectak Wrote: How glad I am...
God has gone; thank god a soul like mine can be denied. I think it's more powerful with the shorter opening: "God is gone". The 'thank god...' is a weak, misplaced attempt at humour.
No worms nor maggots, the carrion convoy, I love 'carrion convoy'. Although worms and maggots are cliched, 'carrion convoy', whether intended or not, reminds me of 'to die and to go we know not where, the sensible warm motion to become a kneaded clod' from Measure for Measure, and a number of other literary references. It's more allusion than cliche, is what I'm saying.
grave thieves that steal dead flesh and history, I think the 'dead' just draws out the line unnecessarily.
will any longer fill my head with dread. similarly, 'any longer' adds nothing to the line.
God has gone; leaving the space in which he never was ...I think it reads better without 'in which he never was' - there's nothing to be gained by insisting that he never was, because your reader isn't likely to be a fourteenth century nun who'd get shocked by it. I suppose 'leaving the space' is a bit ambiguous, but it sounds better with just that.
exactly as he found it. No dusty shelves,
no crumbs on plates gone blue with mould, this is the second beautiful line in the poem
no scribbled notes to litter up my life. I don't know if 'litter up' is a new expression or just an attempted clever way of mixing up 'light up' and 'litter', but it doesn't do anything great for me, particularly after the previous line.
God has gone; I sleep alone and deep each night.
No prayers before I lose the light;
and, oh, how good that makes me feel.
To fall to slumber guiltlessly is heaven newly named. I found this entire stanza to be all tell, and no show. Also, not needed.
God has gone; and all the jumbled junk he pushed into my life ....again, an unncessarily long line. I think you can change it to '...gone: the jumble pushed into my life'
is lost to me. I do not know and do not care
which parable is where,what skewed and false
judgemental threats may still be found.
God has gone; I look but not to find Him anymore.
Now I know that when I smiled upon a child, ....terribly cliched, this smiling upon a child.
or held a hand that weakly grasped, ....more cliche. Lending a hand to the weak.
or kissed a wrinkled brow above a tear, ....'wrinkled brow'? really? what next, 'pale cheeks'? 'bonnie lass'? The cliche made me cringe.
or soothed a pain with loving balm, ....I'd rather you used Tiger Balm.
or cheered a worthy besting for another's pride, ...I fall upon the thorns of life, I faint. The entire section from 'child' to here is one suppurating cliche after another
or lifted from the sea a dying bird, ...the dying bird cliche I can live with, it's passable
and warmed it 'til it flew from me,
or sang a quiet song...alone, perhaps,
or in an evening throng, with friends around a fire,
that this was me, and what I had been all along. this is a nice conclusion to the stanza
I never asked for faith in god,
yet knowing he was never there,
how glad I am that god has gone. ....I'd prefer 'now I'm glad he's gone'. The extra syllables make it an agonisingly slow read without adding meaningfully to the sonics of the line.
tectak2016
Original
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe