08-23-2016, 05:55 AM
L8 lose?
L9 "To fall to slumber guiltlessly is heaven new defined." -- awkward. At the very least, I'd say new-defined, but as it's not a meter-dependent piece what's wrong with newly?
Perhaps a different person would read this as a lament, but to me it's a joyous liberation -- then again, I'm also anti-Muse enough to upset our bearded friend (not God, but Dale), so my bias is quite evident.
The last 10 or so lines are beautifully existential, sans angst, although the memory of angst is present in the first half of the poem -- perhaps it is a God-hangover.
Personally I question whether you really need "No dusty shelves, no crumbs on plates gone blue with mould, no scribbled notes to litter up my life." I enjoy the imagery but feel it is a little bit of a conceit and not required to convey meaning.
In L3, perhaps remove the word "can". I don't think certainty is too much here.
I will return in a while and throw more things at you, because I like this one
L9 "To fall to slumber guiltlessly is heaven new defined." -- awkward. At the very least, I'd say new-defined, but as it's not a meter-dependent piece what's wrong with newly?
Perhaps a different person would read this as a lament, but to me it's a joyous liberation -- then again, I'm also anti-Muse enough to upset our bearded friend (not God, but Dale), so my bias is quite evident.
The last 10 or so lines are beautifully existential, sans angst, although the memory of angst is present in the first half of the poem -- perhaps it is a God-hangover.
Personally I question whether you really need "No dusty shelves, no crumbs on plates gone blue with mould, no scribbled notes to litter up my life." I enjoy the imagery but feel it is a little bit of a conceit and not required to convey meaning.
In L3, perhaps remove the word "can". I don't think certainty is too much here.
I will return in a while and throw more things at you, because I like this one
It could be worse