08-22-2016, 08:54 AM
Hey Lizziep! I love this kind of poem - a snapshot, or film short of human interaction. You captured the subjects nicely. The way the lines in the stanzas change from the first to the last is a great compliment to the shift in the energy of the poem. It was a lot of fun to read; thank you so much for sharing it. Some line notes below:
A man and woman sat across - any thoughts on a title yet? It might help give context to where everyone is sitting. I assumed it was in a restaurant at first, then a hotel, then a waiting room in an office – yeah, I get a little ADHD. I think the start of the poem is a little slow. I wonder if there is a way to grab the reader’s attention better?
from me. She reclined into him – I like the verb “reclined”. Nice.
like he was a plush couch, - Ties in nicely with “reclined”.
warming herself in his cashmere arms, - I like “cashmere arms”, but I am having trouble with the “warming herself” image. Maybe use “cozying” – that gives you alliteration with “cashmere.
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her. – I could be totally off base, but there seems to be a sexual subtext to this sentence. It works, though I am not in love with “seemed”.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously. You have some great sounds in this line – I liked reading it out loud.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"
and she pulled away Good break. I question the verb “pulled”. If she is slouching into him, or reclining on him, is he keeping her from going rigid so that she has to pull from him?
from him, rigid, I like “rigid”.
as if to acquire
a wider image – These two lines are great sonically. Again, they sound great out loud.
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat- brilliant
on guard. – This works as an ending Ok, but it is a little weak. What if you used something like “pre-pounce” – something with action implied?
A man and woman sat across - any thoughts on a title yet? It might help give context to where everyone is sitting. I assumed it was in a restaurant at first, then a hotel, then a waiting room in an office – yeah, I get a little ADHD. I think the start of the poem is a little slow. I wonder if there is a way to grab the reader’s attention better?
from me. She reclined into him – I like the verb “reclined”. Nice.
like he was a plush couch, - Ties in nicely with “reclined”.
warming herself in his cashmere arms, - I like “cashmere arms”, but I am having trouble with the “warming herself” image. Maybe use “cozying” – that gives you alliteration with “cashmere.
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her. – I could be totally off base, but there seems to be a sexual subtext to this sentence. It works, though I am not in love with “seemed”.
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously. You have some great sounds in this line – I liked reading it out loud.
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"
and she pulled away Good break. I question the verb “pulled”. If she is slouching into him, or reclining on him, is he keeping her from going rigid so that she has to pull from him?
from him, rigid, I like “rigid”.
as if to acquire
a wider image – These two lines are great sonically. Again, they sound great out loud.
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat- brilliant
on guard. – This works as an ending Ok, but it is a little weak. What if you used something like “pre-pounce” – something with action implied?