08-21-2016, 01:20 PM
It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged opening line could be more interesting
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks hmm, like the phrase 'violent shrieks'. here begins the evocative part of the poem.
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark you could find better descriptors than 'dense and dark', although it works.
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, an awkward-sounding line to me (of course the air is moving); 'meat smoke tendrils'?- that gives me an upton sinclair 'the jungle' vibe, although i think if you sharpened the language around here it would be pretty cool vibe.
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs. are you trying to establish mood or describe something very specific? this line accomplishes neither, although i might be missing the point.
I drive with no objective, aimlessly 'with no objective' and 'aimlessly' are the exact same things.
winding through the coughing, drooling city. i like this last line. are you saying that the city is a colicky baby?
(disclaimer to everything i said: i'm new.) i like the concept, but i think it's a bit underdeveloped, in particular the second stanza. you say the title is 'vietnam traffic', but this could describe any city in any country (besides the mopeds). not sure if you intend to edit further, but if you do, good luck!
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks hmm, like the phrase 'violent shrieks'. here begins the evocative part of the poem.
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark you could find better descriptors than 'dense and dark', although it works.
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, an awkward-sounding line to me (of course the air is moving); 'meat smoke tendrils'?- that gives me an upton sinclair 'the jungle' vibe, although i think if you sharpened the language around here it would be pretty cool vibe.
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs. are you trying to establish mood or describe something very specific? this line accomplishes neither, although i might be missing the point.
I drive with no objective, aimlessly 'with no objective' and 'aimlessly' are the exact same things.
winding through the coughing, drooling city. i like this last line. are you saying that the city is a colicky baby?
(disclaimer to everything i said: i'm new.) i like the concept, but i think it's a bit underdeveloped, in particular the second stanza. you say the title is 'vietnam traffic', but this could describe any city in any country (besides the mopeds). not sure if you intend to edit further, but if you do, good luck!