08-21-2016, 08:25 AM
A man and woman sat across
from me. She reclined into him
like he was a plush couch, like these first three lines
warming herself in his cashmere arms, "cashmere"? seems distracting as cashmere is overloaded with so many other meanings.
maybe a simpler word -- something relating to a couch or a blanket a simpler type of comfort
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her. loved the "only solid part of her"
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously. omit "almost" ?
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"
and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image "wider"? maybe a word denoting larger or more complete
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned if she's posed like a meercat, maybe a more upright stance, not "leaned"
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat yea! there should be more "meercat" 's in poems
on guard.
from me. She reclined into him
like he was a plush couch, like these first three lines
warming herself in his cashmere arms, "cashmere"? seems distracting as cashmere is overloaded with so many other meanings.
maybe a simpler word -- something relating to a couch or a blanket a simpler type of comfort
a familiar blanket. The way she leaned on him,
he seemed to be the only solid part of her. loved the "only solid part of her"
She rarely spoke; he talked almost continuously. omit "almost" ?
When he spoke to me he said, "I noticed your shoes,"
and she pulled away
from him, rigid,
as if to acquire
a wider image "wider"? maybe a word denoting larger or more complete
of a foreign object.
Then she leaned if she's posed like a meercat, maybe a more upright stance, not "leaned"
toward me,
and remained that way,
like a meerkat yea! there should be more "meercat" 's in poems
on guard.
