The Witch of Raider Hollow

[Lizzie]

Hi Southern Scarab! Right off the bat, I want to say that I think you have lots of lovely imagery and unique expressions. You have a very distinctive voice, and that's fabulous. Ok, onward

Porch light, and the leaves are monsoons
Black wood, and the crickets hard to catch
(one in the hand and a thousand in the bush) -- Too close to the cliche, I think. I see that you're trying to make it different, but I don't think it's different enough to be a real subversion.
Call me restless- rocking chair out of wooden tune -- Now, this, I like. Honestly, I think "Call me restless..." would be a great opening line. It would establish the speaker right out of the gate, and give us someone to connect to. And the rocking chair out of tune is perfect -- wonderfully evocative.
Knuckle blisters, with coffee grounds spilt from spoons
The bullfrogs- another chorus of sore throats
but the stoats, invisibly, slip between the wood-stocks
hiding from the tomcat and his bone-beds in back of sheds -- Ok, so I almost stopped reading at the end of this paragraph. I had (still have) no idea what's going on. I need something to orient me in the piece to give me some kind of clue as to what might be happening in order for me to want to proceed. Perhaps because we get so many pieces here that are just nonstop obscurity from beginning to end, I almost didn't continue.

There are so many images, but they're all just tossed in a bag and shaken up. Like "black wood" -- it's left there, with no context, nothing it seems to modify, refer to; it's seemingly part of no larger context. I would go through word by word and make sure that every word needs to be there -- make each word pull its weight. And then try to pull everything in into some kind of more cohesive whole.
 


Grandma's voice is a fork bent with whispers
a prayer to bed ridden aunty
they say she spoke to the hollow
fewer tell how it spoke back -- I'm staying now. I was on my way out the door, but these two lines brought me back.  
Still others say she chewed cloves
that when the locusts arrived bringing summer fall
her and hers were the first to drop plow
to haunt the creek where the Devil's herd stopped to drink --
so that the cliff hidden pond where the foxes bury buck skulls
became their southern scholomance
a lightning bug disco where the Devil would dance
to hear it told- under cloak and on haystacks of hair
with the voice of screaming, bolting mares. -- I have no idea what I just read, but it sounded beautiful. And, it's evocative. I can picture the horses, the lightning bugs, it's working.


In the morning, tight faced from cold
I was sleepily sweeping cicada shells from the porch -- wonderful s sounds
hundreds of them, flaking into chaffy pollen
fever-struck!
I thought I heard a crow call my name -- ominous, I like it.


In my dream I see a blackberry bush -- if it was last night's dream is should be "saw", otherwise I don't know where I am in the storyline.
sprouting through the spokes of a forgotten bicycle
and then torn from it's roots and ridden, berries and all -- these two lines are my favorite from the poem. I can visualize this so easily and it's completely fresh imagery.
by children with camouflage faces
across crumbling parking lots
I hear those wicked wheels ringing like sniper shells every so often -- like "wicked wheels ringing"
strangest of all, because the bush does not die

I feel like stanza two should maybe be its own poem. It seems to break up the night-morning-dream flashback sequence. If you'd like to keep it in, I'd suggest linking it time wise with one of the other stanzas.

Punctuation....I'm an all in or all out kinda girl. I don't really care, I'd just recommend picking. Right now, it feels very random and sporadic, and it's distracting.

Again, as Achebe said (and he would know), you have an ear for language and can make a phrase sound mighty nice   I think you're doing a wonderful job on that front.

I like the loose, rambling feel of this, I just would like to see you really hone in on some key concepts and imagery and tighten things up a little around them.

Hope some of this helps!

Thanks so much for sharing, and, again, great work ><

lizziep