08-17-2016, 02:34 PM
I can't wait to read your revision, because I think you have hit on the kernel of something quite good here. Do you mind explaining the title? I couldn't quite put together where it intersected with the poem itself. Like others have commented, your images are great; they are just a little inconsistent. The idea conveyed in the ending was brilliant, I thought. I like how it ends with "unable to breathe". That's strong. Some thought on the lines below:
(08-11-2016, 12:26 PM)lizziep Wrote: It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed - So, the "it" is the skeleton, right? After reading this a few times my mind settles on suicide as the explanation for the skeleton.
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress - "merges with their mattress" makes such a nice sound. The image is great.
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell I like "decomposes into couch cushions" too. You did an excellent job of preserving the hard "c" sound which adds to the flow of the writing.
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept, I got a little lost here - the weight thing threw me, and I also don't know who "they" are.
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender. I am still lost. There is a disconnect between "their" (plural) and "the mind" and "the lungs" which seem to refer to a singular individual.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman Back to the skeleton - and again I think about suicide.
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels, I like that you give an age with the woman. It instantly colors in the image for me. I wonder if you might want to use a different verb than "wearing"? You might try "cinched" or "strapped" - something a bit more interesting, but also thematic to being fused.
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe. Love this