08-17-2016, 12:19 PM
"The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.
A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. "
First off, I think this is an interesting perspective. I also love the concept. I would write "a totem on the steps of Heaven" OR "a totem on Heaven's steps". I'd put a comma after "gaze" in line 3. I would remove the "the" at the beginning of line 6. Next, I'd take off the "and they" starting off line 8. After that, I would edit line 9 so it reads, "Gods swallowing the expansive sky itself". I would make "into" become "in", and make the final line state "Sculpting the honoured man's fear, chiseling him."
Hope this helps!
~PK
a totem on the heaven's steps.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.
A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. "
First off, I think this is an interesting perspective. I also love the concept. I would write "a totem on the steps of Heaven" OR "a totem on Heaven's steps". I'd put a comma after "gaze" in line 3. I would remove the "the" at the beginning of line 6. Next, I'd take off the "and they" starting off line 8. After that, I would edit line 9 so it reads, "Gods swallowing the expansive sky itself". I would make "into" become "in", and make the final line state "Sculpting the honoured man's fear, chiseling him."
Hope this helps!
~PK