08-16-2016, 05:09 PM
Thanks for your critique Achebe! It was well reasoned and highlighted quite a few flaws in my work that I hadn't noticed before. I'd like to address a few points though just in the spirit of a discussion (not necessarily argue with them, but just a clarification of bits I don't quite grasp):
I liked 'cold slab pushing against him' - a solid sensory description. Thank you! It's weird because I don't even see the line being that great, but that's because I always go towards verbosity when poetry could be considered the art of simplicity. I probably need to work on that.
You asked for feedback on rhythm - I couldn't discern any. Rhythm wasn't the right word, been away from writing poetry too long and I only really scratched the surface even then so I'm not all too familiar with the lingo (all I know is to avoid the word flow or I'll be murdered). As an afterthought... I wonder if you can point me to any resources where I can try to write a bit more lyrically, I'm pretty bad at that
. Would appreciate any help you can give me here!
I would do away with the metaphors entirely - sun's gaze bleeding, dripping red on velvet - first, it's inaccurate (white cotton clouds mean that it's afternoon but a red sun is either morning or evening). I wasn't quite going for the idea that the cloud was white so much as it was a medium which absorbed the colour red, like cotton in bandages absorbs blood. Which has similar image to blood dripping onto velvet.
Secondly, 'bleeding' makes it too obvious that you're trying to draw a parallel. Just 'red' is enough. If you want to even bring it up, that is. As a parallel it's too easy and obvious whichever way you try to state it. Really good point. It's not exactly the most complex parallel.
Abstractions like 'mass of people' and 'darkest gods' are also not very useful when you're trying to paint a picture. Basically, avoid metaphors and abstract nouns, and cut out all adjectives. How is 'mass of people' abstraction? I can't get my head around this part. But essentially I was just playing on the word mass which is also in the catholic religion to say a bunch of people were praying to the gods below the pyramid. 'Darkest gods' is definitely an abstraction, couldn't quite figure out a way to explain that this a ritual for this guy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mictlantecuhtli
His name isn't very poetry friendly. But giving an obscure nod is pointless so I'll probably throw this part away since it doesn't play to the imagery. My knowledge isn't good enough to put him in anyway.
But yea thank you very much for your help and I'll reflect on what you've said.
Thanks for your kind words dukealien!
Yea I have no idea how to write rhythmically and it always goes wrong. I wonder if you can point me to some resources I can use to learn a bit more. I just put the 8 syllable guideline to restrict myself a bit more because I know I'll have to do that to learn more about meter. Also I loved your rewrite! It's definitely and packs more of a punch. I'll probably steal it in some shape or form.
I liked 'cold slab pushing against him' - a solid sensory description. Thank you! It's weird because I don't even see the line being that great, but that's because I always go towards verbosity when poetry could be considered the art of simplicity. I probably need to work on that.
You asked for feedback on rhythm - I couldn't discern any. Rhythm wasn't the right word, been away from writing poetry too long and I only really scratched the surface even then so I'm not all too familiar with the lingo (all I know is to avoid the word flow or I'll be murdered). As an afterthought... I wonder if you can point me to any resources where I can try to write a bit more lyrically, I'm pretty bad at that
. Would appreciate any help you can give me here!I would do away with the metaphors entirely - sun's gaze bleeding, dripping red on velvet - first, it's inaccurate (white cotton clouds mean that it's afternoon but a red sun is either morning or evening). I wasn't quite going for the idea that the cloud was white so much as it was a medium which absorbed the colour red, like cotton in bandages absorbs blood. Which has similar image to blood dripping onto velvet.
Secondly, 'bleeding' makes it too obvious that you're trying to draw a parallel. Just 'red' is enough. If you want to even bring it up, that is. As a parallel it's too easy and obvious whichever way you try to state it. Really good point. It's not exactly the most complex parallel.
Abstractions like 'mass of people' and 'darkest gods' are also not very useful when you're trying to paint a picture. Basically, avoid metaphors and abstract nouns, and cut out all adjectives. How is 'mass of people' abstraction? I can't get my head around this part. But essentially I was just playing on the word mass which is also in the catholic religion to say a bunch of people were praying to the gods below the pyramid. 'Darkest gods' is definitely an abstraction, couldn't quite figure out a way to explain that this a ritual for this guy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mictlantecuhtli
His name isn't very poetry friendly. But giving an obscure nod is pointless so I'll probably throw this part away since it doesn't play to the imagery. My knowledge isn't good enough to put him in anyway.
But yea thank you very much for your help and I'll reflect on what you've said.
Thanks for your kind words dukealien!
Yea I have no idea how to write rhythmically and it always goes wrong. I wonder if you can point me to some resources I can use to learn a bit more. I just put the 8 syllable guideline to restrict myself a bit more because I know I'll have to do that to learn more about meter. Also I loved your rewrite! It's definitely and packs more of a punch. I'll probably steal it in some shape or form.