08-16-2016, 12:00 PM
Thanks for the feedback, Wjames! Sorry if it took more than a fortnight -- start of sem.
2
Agree with the "younger" -- the unstressed syllable is definitely unnecessary.
I'm not sure how -- with the talk of genders right before, I sort of assume that it easily refers to some homeless, possibly knock-out drunk person whose gender is unknown.
3
stroke? ooh, and that would make those last three lines alliterative....
5
It could be the kiss, it could be body language, it could be spells of gossip -- or, since the poem always starts with "When I was young", it could just be the benefit of hindsight. Which is a bit of defense on "When I was younger", although not a very good one -- each section is sort of told at a different time. And on that second note, good point, though I'm not sure how I'll divide that into lines. I wanna end one line with "mad" since it establishes a connection to the first stanza, but "in my presence", necessary to clarify what "like mad" is supposed to mean, is, I think, too short to be its own line, just as "from a boy whose heart always went like mad" is too long. I'll experiment.
6
Could be, could be not? I honestly don't know, although God seems to have a bunch of other images that are equally abstract (like, say, Love) -- plus, it ties to the whole "image, eye, reflection, form" theme I'm going for.
Again, thanks! I think I'm getting much closer to the end, now.
2
Agree with the "younger" -- the unstressed syllable is definitely unnecessary.
I'm not sure how -- with the talk of genders right before, I sort of assume that it easily refers to some homeless, possibly knock-out drunk person whose gender is unknown.
3
stroke? ooh, and that would make those last three lines alliterative....
5
It could be the kiss, it could be body language, it could be spells of gossip -- or, since the poem always starts with "When I was young", it could just be the benefit of hindsight. Which is a bit of defense on "When I was younger", although not a very good one -- each section is sort of told at a different time. And on that second note, good point, though I'm not sure how I'll divide that into lines. I wanna end one line with "mad" since it establishes a connection to the first stanza, but "in my presence", necessary to clarify what "like mad" is supposed to mean, is, I think, too short to be its own line, just as "from a boy whose heart always went like mad" is too long. I'll experiment.
6
Could be, could be not? I honestly don't know, although God seems to have a bunch of other images that are equally abstract (like, say, Love) -- plus, it ties to the whole "image, eye, reflection, form" theme I'm going for.
Again, thanks! I think I'm getting much closer to the end, now.