08-16-2016, 10:12 AM
(08-15-2016, 06:57 PM)dared Wrote: The feathered man and jagged knife,An Aztec sacrifice! Now that's a good subject for a poem.
a totem on the heaven's steps.
Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.
A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.
Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods
that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.
Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted.
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A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.
I liked 'cold slab pushing against him' - a solid sensory description.
You asked for feedback on rhythm - I couldn't discern any. That's not bad in itself, as a poem can be a painting alone.
I would do away with the metaphors entirely - sun's gaze bleeding, dripping red on velvet - first, it's inaccurate (white cotton clouds mean that it's afternoon but a red sun is either morning or evening). Secondly, 'bleeding' makes it too obvious that you're trying to draw a parallel. Just 'red' is enough. If you want to even bring it up, that is. As a parallel it's too easy and obvious whichever way you try to state it.
Abstractions like 'mass of people' and 'darkest gods' are also not very useful when you're trying to paint a picture. Basically, avoid metaphors and abstract nouns, and cut out all adjectives.

