08-15-2016, 03:15 PM
Hi! I like the last two stanzas...better than the first two. I think because something happens and I can see it..the sweeping, the dream. I like the dream and the bicycle and the vine part best. I would almost suggest reworking the second half of this.
I mean--im a big fan of description -- which is mostly what you've got in the first two. But it feels a little random. I'm not sure what you're setting me up for. I didn't care for 'leaves ....monsoons ' line, maybe it's the plural use? ' grandmas voice...fork bent with whispers' --I wasn't clear what you meant here. And I like out of the box metaphor use, but sometimes what seems so clear to you is lost on someone else.
But I liked the forgotten bike and the berry bush....(-: try for more clarity in the beginning. good luck with it. Thanks--V
I mean--im a big fan of description -- which is mostly what you've got in the first two. But it feels a little random. I'm not sure what you're setting me up for. I didn't care for 'leaves ....monsoons ' line, maybe it's the plural use? ' grandmas voice...fork bent with whispers' --I wasn't clear what you meant here. And I like out of the box metaphor use, but sometimes what seems so clear to you is lost on someone else.
But I liked the forgotten bike and the berry bush....(-: try for more clarity in the beginning. good luck with it. Thanks--V
"Why do you suppose we only feel compelled to chase the ones who run away?" -Vicomte de Valmont, Dangerous Liasons