08-14-2016, 06:13 PM
The poems is peppered with vivid descriptions such as 'viridian, white-necked', 'gray-vested', 'bounce, clip each other' (my favourite), 'sub-warmed and indolent', and 'seldom-touching dogfight'.
I liked that about it.
Some thoughts below, for yours to take on board or throw in the crapper as you see fit:
1. 'than humming birds can manage' - unnecessary line, I thought. Not a pretty one either.
2. 'feather-fanning....competitor'- the alliteration strikes me as being out of place, like a desperate attempt to sound clever.
3. 'unlike hummers...' - not sure what the point of the comparison is. It's not particularly interesting. Perhaps changing it to /green competitors / to land atop a feeder's slick red' etc.
4. There's a hint of irony in the first four lines of the final stanza, which is destroyed by 'yet provisioned with' - the last 2 lines turn the whole stanza into a bland executive summary of the ones above, kinda pointless. I think that ending it at 'entertainment', and if that makes it too short, add a couple of lines after that don't bring up the 'yet real food' revelation.
I liked that about it.
Some thoughts below, for yours to take on board or throw in the crapper as you see fit:
1. 'than humming birds can manage' - unnecessary line, I thought. Not a pretty one either.
2. 'feather-fanning....competitor'- the alliteration strikes me as being out of place, like a desperate attempt to sound clever.
3. 'unlike hummers...' - not sure what the point of the comparison is. It's not particularly interesting. Perhaps changing it to /green competitors / to land atop a feeder's slick red' etc.
4. There's a hint of irony in the first four lines of the final stanza, which is destroyed by 'yet provisioned with' - the last 2 lines turn the whole stanza into a bland executive summary of the ones above, kinda pointless. I think that ending it at 'entertainment', and if that makes it too short, add a couple of lines after that don't bring up the 'yet real food' revelation.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe