08-12-2016, 11:29 PM
It just appeared there one day, fused to the seabed - like the suddenness of the beginning though I might drop the "just" and the "there" as it reads more smoothly to me without those. Though this depends on the vibe you're going for. Leaving those words make it seem like more of a surprise to the storyteller. Taking them out makes the fact of the appearance feel more solemnly accepted.
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress - love this line
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender. - this is nice but also makes me want more.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe. - woah. great ending.
Overall, I love what you're trying to say and the metaphor of the skeleton is interesting. I found myself wanting more imagery and comparison to the emotion of the woman and the fact of the skeleton. It tickled my imagination and made me wonder what might live within a skeleton at the bottom of the ocean and how that could be compared metaphorically to the things the woman is carrying around with her in life. Looking forward to reading more.
as one clinically depressed merges with their mattress - love this line
or decomposes into couch cushions. Weight fell
like a thick blanket over their face as they slept,
convincing the mind to keep dreaming and the lungs to surrender. - this is nice but also makes me want more.
It just appeared there one day, like a woman
of thirty-five suddenly seeing her feet wearing sensible heels,
sitting behind a desk with a picture of a husband and two kids,
unable to breathe. - woah. great ending.
Overall, I love what you're trying to say and the metaphor of the skeleton is interesting. I found myself wanting more imagery and comparison to the emotion of the woman and the fact of the skeleton. It tickled my imagination and made me wonder what might live within a skeleton at the bottom of the ocean and how that could be compared metaphorically to the things the woman is carrying around with her in life. Looking forward to reading more.